The 7 Rules of Baby Sleep

I write this as my 9 month old sleeps in his crib. Knock on wood that I don’t jinx myself by breaking the rules. What rules? Why the Rules of Baby Sleep! There are rules to baby sleep? “Yes!” said every mother ever. I thought babies slept great, you know the phrase, “sleep like a baby” had to come from somewhere… See #3 said every mother ever.

1. You do not talk about baby sleep. You do not text about how long he has been asleep. You do not brag about how long of a stretch she can go. You do not talk about baby sleep. Why? It is guaranteed to wake the baby. How? The wrath of God/the bitch Karma.

2. Never ever ever ever ever ever wake the baby. Unless you got a wee nugget and the doc EXPLICITLY says so to feed her, do not wake the baby. Dirty diapers really can wait. That spit up spot will dry. Why let him slumber? If you must know, go ahead, wake him, I dare you. 

3. If you wake said baby, “stabby” becomes a legitimate description of that child’s mother’s feelings. Thoughts like, “hmm… I feel stabby” begin to appear in her mind after spending 90 minutes with her arms extended in front of her bouncing on an exercise ball at 3am to coax the woken baby back to sleep.

4. Noise levels must be held constant from the moment the child falls into sleep until as long as you can make it last. Neighbors getting a new roof and suddenly it’s lunch time? Fire up the power tools because as soon as the decibels drop so does your book/plate/deuce. The same is true for the quiet drift off. You’ll be feeling stabby when Fido starts barking at the door.

5. Laundry is awesome. Clean your undies and keep the quiet in one swing. Pick the cycles that run as long as possible. Heavy duty? Of course! Sanitize? why not? Extra rinse? You bet! Then sit back, cross your fingers and pray it lasts! (the machines that is!) Friendly reminder to turn OFF the end-of-cycle chime!

6. Anyone who tells you babies sleep most of the day is: a) really effin mean, b) has never had children, c) has a drug problem or d) won the baby sleep lotto and got one that sleeps where- and whenever. Ignore them all. Prepare for a war of love. Your home quickly becomes a battlefield with a dozen craters (places to put baby down), shrapnel (burp cloths) littered about and the residuals of (poop) explosions hiding in corners. The weapons… Swaddling and moving. Invest in an exercise/stability/big bouncy ball. Want to know why? See #2 above. 

7. You will gain a new appreciation for sleep- yours, theirs, everyone’s. If you really love him or her, let them nap!

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A Rainbow for my Minions

Oh minions, dear minions, how I have missed you so.

I am sorry for not posting lately. I can offer you a lot of excuses but it’s ok not to care. You’re busy, I know that. You’re also awesome, did you know that? I’ll tell you why in a moment.

Those of you that read this blog, thank you. I hope you get a chuckle or two, maybe a laugh, a new perspective on an old situation and inspiration to let your own inner RAWR out once in a while (I promise, your RAWR will thank you). Hard as I may try, I can’t guarantee any of that will happen.

Over the last couple years, during this unexpected sabbatical, I’ve come to appreciate even more what you mean to me. You inspire me. You give these words purpose. You push me to learn more, know more, grow more and love more.

Thank you for still coming here day in and day out whether I’ve posted or not. That makes you awesome in my book. I’m finally getting (again?) to a place in my life where I can put some time and thought into this thing called RAWR and hope I don’t disappoint you.

I also have a little bit of of good news to share. (Of course I’m saving the best for last!) In July of 2013 I found myself staring down the end of a pregnancy test that read POSITIVE! After 10 months of terror, delight and worry, in March of 2014 I brought a handsome & healthy little guy into this world! For our purposes his name is Bear. I’ve grown and learned so much in Bear’s first 9 months on this planet. I’ve also honed my sarcasm stick and bullshit meter with months of sleep deprivation. I greatly look forward to sharing my insights with you as we all RAWR together.

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